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improvethemoment

Vet nursing and all the feels

I am a vet nurse

I have an obligation to compassion to not only animals but the owners.
I have a fucking hard time being compassionate to owners sometimes especially when they bring their animal in 24 hours after they ran over it with a car and laughed when it was euthanised.

I am having a hard time in general, people, obligations, commitments, non negotiables and my brain.
I am feeling too much. I am currently doing volunteer work, I am financially struggling big time and I don’t know what to do. I want to jut show how good I am as a nurse but people dont seem to notice my worth which makes me feel I am worth nothing. Perhaps I am worth nothing and my work is actually not at the standard I thought it was.

I just feel. I feel too much.

A father that never wanted the title

My relationship with my father has been nothing short of abusive. He physically and psychologically abused me through my childhood. When my parents separated he despised having my sister and I every second weekend. He rarely fed us, he would make 1 meal and that would be it for the weekend and that was if we were lucky. I vividly remember eating toothpaste from a tube for dinner one night before my father had moved out of the family home that he took from my mother. I would have been 7 or 8, eating toothpaste for a meal as there was never any food.

My father would drink every single night, I would nurse his hangovers in the morning. He would invite his friends over and shoot guns in the house, he would play with chainsaws in the house all the while my sister and I hid from him inhaling the potent petrol fumes.

He would leave us sometimes with tim tams, sometimes without anything at all while he went to see one of his many girlfriends. Most of the time he would never come back leaving my sister and I home alone until it was time for my mother to pick us up.

I have kids of my own now. I don’t have time for this toxicity to seep in to my brain any longer. I will not have his evil ways of life interjecting in to my children’s lives. We have not spoken for a year and a half after I cleaned his house and got called a cunt for not doing it properly. I said that is it. He said he was done with me. A few weeks ago he sent  text to my partner, it made me sense as he was drunk as per usual. I responded today.

“You have lost your way, forgotten what love is and allowed your contempt to damage two potentially beautiful relationships that not many people are blessed to have. Love isn’t kicking your grandchildren to the curb because you’re angry at your daughter. Love isn’t missing birthdays, Christmases and major events in your daughters and grand children’s lives. Love isn’t a power struggle and most of all love is unconditional.
You choose to have relationships based on all of the things i don’t believe love is. You are screaming out for an apology, an apology for what? You are holding your love for ransom which again, is not what love is. As I said, love is unconditional so when you apply rules and guidelines a relationship becomes a contract void of love. You say I can get better or bitter, bitterness isn’t in me. I have moved on and if you wanted to be part of our lives you would have been there for all of the wonderful things I have accomplished and my children have accomplished. You chose not to be and that is ok but that is not a relationship I want to expose myself or my children to.”

I want more than this life

I have been on this earth for very close to 26 years. I detest my birthday, it has always been filled with damning horror and neglect. No one remembers it, not my family and not my friends. That is ok, I am used to it but what I hate more than anything else is people pretending to forget just to jab a dagger further in to my heart. It happens more than you would care to know so this birthday coming I yet again have to brace myself for disappointment, abuse and shame.

I am honestly trying to stick around for my kids and partner, I am doing my best. Each day I wake up and wish I was dead. Every single day my eyes pop open whether it be dark due to chronic insomnia or it be light; I get upset that I didn’t pass in my sleep. It’s been this way since I can remember and I am not free from this thought. I would give anything, my mobility, my speech, my hearing… anything just to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day.

Tomorrow I get to go to work…I am not being paid, I am literally volunteering my time to the welfare of animals and the only thing I will be waking up for tomorrow is them. Without animals I would be dead. Many people judge and think I should be able to live for my kids but I believe I am toxic to them. I don’t think they should have to endure a mother like me. My abusive childhood has instilled so thickly in my skull that I am a toxic worthless person.

I believe it. But with animals my skills for keeping them alive I feel they need and are benefiting from. It doesn’t matter what a revolting person I am, I can help animals so that is purpose before that all goes to hell too.

Nursing, life, motherhood

I am a trainee veterinary nurse. I am a mum and I have a fucked up life.

The woman and her comrades I blogged about last time are still at it, what a fucking surprise… My walking buddy in the evenings… my FRIEND well…  the kindergarten bitch has poached from me. Out from under my feet, little fucken twerp.

I worked today. We had a beautiful dog in that had cancer all over his neck, I was under the false illusion we could help him. He had X-Rays, he had bloods, he had TLC, he drooled all over my scrubs and my pants. He gave up in my arms. I was shattered. My old dog died of cancer in a similar way, I was a mess. I was a mess with this pup too. I then cleaned myself up and walked all the hospitalised dogs pretending they would all make it too.

I went home. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to drink wine, I wanted to cry but I had to be a mum. I breathed in, took my kids grocery shopping and cooked dinner. I will mourn the dog in my own time. RIP lovely ❤

Kinder mums in full force

When my daughter goes to school I will not under any circumstances become involved with the mothers there.

Here is why.

AT the start of the 4 year old kinder I was under this illusion that I had made friends, connected with other mums in the same boat as me. We laughed, cried,shared detailes of how hard we find motherhood. We bitched about the useless teachers and all in all had a fab understanding of one another… There was a mum that had a go at one of the mums in our group so I defended her to my death as I would of any friend

UNTIL

I found out I only had my “friends” side of the story. I decided to not take sides in the feud… faux pas of my behalf apparently! My original friend came all guns a blazing bitching about me to anyone who would listen. Told everyone I was mentally unhinged and thought she would pretend to be best friends with me to my face. Well… I have learned my lesson.

This woman made up false things about the other woman to everyone, turned the whole group of kinder mums against her and expected everyone to follow suit. When I didn’t I became target. What you must understand i when you are a target your family becomes one too. i was working one morning when my partner took my kids to a birthday party. My disabled son got in to some trouble climbing and the bitch in question turned to see who was crying and left him on his own as he is my son. Well… bitch you can fuck right off. Hate me all you want but I would never put a child, disabled at that at risk. She would. She did. She is dead to me. So is the comrades around her, once my closest friends turned in to vile, hate feeding women.

This is why I will never make friends with school mums, it is not worth it no matter how much you hit it off in the beginning.

Job hunting depression

I am a trainee vet nurse and i am looking for work placement. I am also a fully qualified drug and alcohol counsellor and social worker. I couldn’t find work after over 100 applications in my qualified field, rejection letters aplenty and no responses or call backs also plenty.  I have now moved on to vet nursing… i can’t even find work placement. No one has to even pay me and they still won’t take me on.

This is my second shot yet i still am not good enough for anyone to even trial my skills. Or what i thought were skills…

This has all sent me in to yet anogher downward spiral of depression. I feel worthless, a burden, a pest and an absolute failure. I don’t know what the next move is, i don’t have one. If i am worth nothing to so many people then i have been deluding myself this whole time.

 

EDIT TO ADD:
I wrote this on the 8th of July this year. Fuck.

https://improvethemomentblog.wordpress.com/2016/07/08/they-dont-call-it-job-hunting-for-no-reason/

I’m not dead

This depression is eating me like a parasite. It is determined to consume me whole. I am letting it. I have no fight left.  I want out. I’m done. I live for other people, animals and other beings but my skills are no use to anyone or anything anymore.

I am not at the stage where i am at peace, lots needs to be in order before my demise. I need to organise so much but the depression is so ingrained in my skull i can’t fathom how to tie up so many loose ends.

I know its time, i have to surrender. I can’t leave with so much left to do, that’d be unfair.

Adopting a dog

 

 

Abuse, guilt, suicide and envy

I have so many mixed emotions right now that I can’t pin my mind down.

I spoke to my good friend this evening who has a son that was sexually abused by his doctor. After pressing charges this doctor had a whole lot of people come out and make statements that they too had been abused by him. The fucked up thing here is that the doctor was being protected by the hospital he was working at in Victoria. The hospital kept the doctor on knowing the charges laid against him on the condition he had a chaperone with him… The doctor CONTINUED to abuse children even with the chaperone there and no patient was informed why the doctor required someone present to attend his consults.

The media got wind of the story as the media does however it has not been published yet as trial has not concluded for a very finite reason. I feel so much for my friends boy, he has been through so much and the first hearing the doctor just lied through his teeth saying it didn’t happen. As the investigation went on and on more and more people came out to speak against the doctor.The doctor killed himself last week. The media is publishing the story tomorrow. My friend’s boy is going to be named.

No trial for him, no firm sentencing, no jail time to get what he deserves; just allegations. I hope those allegations stand up against the medical board defending this disgusting “man”.

I wish, I so wish that any sex offender just felt so overcome with guilt they they too killed themselves.

I feel sick that I think that way, I feel sick that I make it about myself, I feel sick that so many victims live in fear that their abusers are still alive and out there.

I never reported the rape that happened to me 9 years ago, it haunts me until this very day. I know the “man” is still in the community, I know he got off free. You can’t report crimes like this because the sentencing is too light that the perpetrators come out of jail (if you’re lucky enough to get any jail time for them at all!) and haunt you all over again and in many cases, offend again against you. I was underage when i was raped, the “man” was older, he was known to me and I was never able to report it. PTSD does that to you, trauma does that to you and in the end it is your word against theirs. In the eye of the law there isn’t enough evidence. So if you are brave enough to go down the prosecution path that my friend’s boy did then you know going in to it that you may be fucking up your own life. You know you will not be protected. You know jail is unlikely. All you might get is a restraining order, well they aren’t any good when the rapist kills you. I couldn’t utter nor type the word “rape” until this year. 9 years on. On the anniversary every year i hope I won’t spiral out of control. I try so hard to keep it together. I have an action plan with my psych and yet I still verge on suicide every year. I have attempted a few times. I wish those attempts were successful.

I am shamed to admit I am jealous. I am jealous that all of these victims don’t have to live in fear but I do. They know the “man” that did what he did to them is 6ft under. Why can’t every sex offender kill themselves, feel that guilt and just kill themselves?

I feel nothing but compassion for my friend’s boy, he is so strong to speak out and I cannot express how much I look up to his bravery. He will not let this define nor control him and he will not let this end him. He is inspirational.

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