My brain is not what I’d call a friend right now, it is filled with thoughts that I cannot get out of my head- it’s called “rumination” when you are going over the same thing in your head without break.
Unfortunately this rumination adds anxiety and critical self feelings for me, I try my strategies; I really do and at times I am better at utilising them than others. Now is not one of those times. What anxiety feels like to me is not only a weight on your chest but also a weight on either side of your brain and one above just closing its vice; not allowing the thoughts to escape- trapped.
I have had a challenging time lately with my daughter’s diagnosis of sensory processing disorder and auditory processing disorder. Now, it is not the diagnosis that has upset me- it is the day to day grinding of living with it never knowing how best to help her regardless of all of our strategies of helping her and abiding by what the OT suggests. I want to rescue her, I feel many things as a deep fear and tend to over complicate the issue in my own head that I find myself doubting every single thing I do. I hate seeing her struggle so much, it terrifies me, the aforementioned self critical thoughts love to wildly play off that mother guilt too.
For me those feelings come from deep trauma, I see someone upset and I feel their pain so strongly; my trauma did not teach me to hate everyone like it can do to others, it taught me deep empathy and people reading skills that are out of this world. I can walk in to a room and immediately know the mood of every person in there. This was used as self preservation when I was a child- it protected me but now I fear it is destroying me as I get more in touch with my sensitive side.
Want to know something funny? I came on here today to talk about the state of politics and my views on the lack of compassion our politicians seem to have- I suppose that might have to be for the next one (if I can keep this muddled brain on one train of thought!)