My head is overloaded, I cannot for the life of me calm down and be patient. I am not a patient person, i try, I do but it isn’t something I can do in a reasonable sane way.
I have found a dog I want to adopt, I met her, I took my children to meet her and I could tell she needed me just as much as I needed her. She has been though so much trauma, so much so, her whole personality has been beaten out of her. She has been made to breed against her will, she has been forced in to horrible conditions in her early years without anyone to protect or love her.
As soon as I met her I just knew we needed one another to heal. I need to heal her and I need to show her love can heal deep trauma. I need to know this so I can believe it, I don’t believe love heals but I do know so many people do and they wouldn’t preach it if there wasn’t some truth to it.
I have seen my cat heal from trauma, she was a rescue like all my animals. But her trauma was different, it was horrible she was dumped in a bin as a tiny kitten and separated from her mother but the wounds don’t run as deep for her as they obviously do for this dog I want to rescue. I love my cat, she is my baby and no matter how many animals I have, there is always room for more and the heart just grows with it’s love.
It seems selfish, it seems wrong, i feel selfish and wrong for thinking all of what I do. I feel horrible making the dog’s story about me, I feel so many negative things to the point of thinking i am toxic. I can’t help how I feel though, I try but I miss the mark.
I want to heal this girl’s trauma through patience, love, affection and modelling confidence. I want her to see there is more to life and trauma doesn’t need to define her. i want to show her that she can lead a happy life in a safe environment where trauma doesn’t define her.
My trauma defines me, it impacts every part of my world and thought processes. it permeates my mind when I don’t want it to. It is an unwelcome visitor in my home- that being my brain. It controls my emotional responses and it makes me fear everybody; in my head everyone is guilty until proven innocent. I am in therapy, i have been for many years and I have a very long way to do. I will end it there, more on me later perhaps or perhaps not- let’s see what happens.
I need the dog in my life to heal and she needs me to heal her too. I really hope it works out and the application gets approved, I love her.