I hate school holidays, I dread them. The idea fills me with anxiety, irritation and despair. Sounds dramatic right? Well let me explain.

My daughter has sensory processing and auditory processing disorder, she struggles with change in routine and gets highly anxious when things don’t go to plan. Because of her auditory processing disorder her voice is always loud and very high pitched, i don’t cope with thay very well; I’m working on it but it is a very long process. When she goes back to kinder and dancing her normal routine resumes which you would think would settle her but no, she struggles getting back in the routine she knows and loves for a good 2 weeks. 2 weeks holidays, 2 weeks recovery.

I have no family support whatsoever, kinder is my respite- 15 hours per week that is my respite and I rely so heavily on it as 4 hours of those 15 are taken up with my own therapy and I still have my son in those hours. I don’t have a mother who cam be trusted to take care of the children for half an hour while i cook dinner, i don’t have a dad- he is an alcoholic who abused me and my sister physically and emotionally growing up and now wants nothing to do with us.

My irritability has gone through the roof and I honestly don’t know how I will be able to cope on the holidays. The last school holidays I held it together for as long as I could but on the last week I couldn’t take anymore,  the suicidal thoughts became too much and my belief that everyone is so much better off without me overrided everything and I overdosed. I’m shit scared of that happeneing again.

Let’s see how I go, lets see how my daughter goes. I’m terrified.