I have so many mixed emotions right now that I can’t pin my mind down.

I spoke to my good friend this evening who has a son that was sexually abused by his doctor. After pressing charges this doctor had a whole lot of people come out and make statements that they too had been abused by him. The fucked up thing here is that the doctor was being protected by the hospital he was working at in Victoria. The hospital kept the doctor on knowing the charges laid against him on the condition he had a chaperone with him… The doctor CONTINUED to abuse children even with the chaperone there and no patient was informed why the doctor required someone present to attend his consults.

The media got wind of the story as the media does however it has not been published yet as trial has not concluded for a very finite reason. I feel so much for my friends boy, he has been through so much and the first hearing the doctor just lied through his teeth saying it didn’t happen. As the investigation went on and on more and more people came out to speak against the doctor.The doctor killed himself last week. The media is publishing the story tomorrow. My friend’s boy is going to be named.

No trial for him, no firm sentencing, no jail time to get what he deserves; just allegations. I hope those allegations stand up against the medical board defending this disgusting “man”.

I wish, I so wish that any sex offender just felt so overcome with guilt they they too killed themselves.

I feel sick that I think that way, I feel sick that I make it about myself, I feel sick that so many victims live in fear that their abusers are still alive and out there.

I never reported the rape that happened to me 9 years ago, it haunts me until this very day. I know the “man” is still in the community, I know he got off free. You can’t report crimes like this because the sentencing is too light that the perpetrators come out of jail (if you’re lucky enough to get any jail time for them at all!) and haunt you all over again and in many cases, offend again against you. I was underage when i was raped, the “man” was older, he was known to me and I was never able to report it. PTSD does that to you, trauma does that to you and in the end it is your word against theirs. In the eye of the law there isn’t enough evidence. So if you are brave enough to go down the prosecution path that my friend’s boy did then you know going in to it that you may be fucking up your own life. You know you will not be protected. You know jail is unlikely. All you might get is a restraining order, well they aren’t any good when the rapist kills you. I couldn’t utter nor type the word “rape” until this year. 9 years on. On the anniversary every year i hope I won’t spiral out of control. I try so hard to keep it together. I have an action plan with my psych and yet I still verge on suicide every year. I have attempted a few times. I wish those attempts were successful.

I am shamed to admit I am jealous. I am jealous that all of these victims don’t have to live in fear but I do. They know the “man” that did what he did to them is 6ft under. Why can’t every sex offender kill themselves, feel that guilt and just kill themselves?

I feel nothing but compassion for my friend’s boy, he is so strong to speak out and I cannot express how much I look up to his bravery. He will not let this define nor control him and he will not let this end him. He is inspirational.