I have been on this earth for very close to 26 years. I detest my birthday, it has always been filled with damning horror and neglect. No one remembers it, not my family and not my friends. That is ok, I am used to it but what I hate more than anything else is people pretending to forget just to jab a dagger further in to my heart. It happens more than you would care to know so this birthday coming I yet again have to brace myself for disappointment, abuse and shame.
I am honestly trying to stick around for my kids and partner, I am doing my best. Each day I wake up and wish I was dead. Every single day my eyes pop open whether it be dark due to chronic insomnia or it be light; I get upset that I didn’t pass in my sleep. It’s been this way since I can remember and I am not free from this thought. I would give anything, my mobility, my speech, my hearing… anything just to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day.
Tomorrow I get to go to work…I am not being paid, I am literally volunteering my time to the welfare of animals and the only thing I will be waking up for tomorrow is them. Without animals I would be dead. Many people judge and think I should be able to live for my kids but I believe I am toxic to them. I don’t think they should have to endure a mother like me. My abusive childhood has instilled so thickly in my skull that I am a toxic worthless person.
I believe it. But with animals my skills for keeping them alive I feel they need and are benefiting from. It doesn’t matter what a revolting person I am, I can help animals so that is purpose before that all goes to hell too.