Vet nursing and all the feels

I am a vet nurse

I have an obligation to compassion to not only animals but the owners.
I have a fucking hard time being compassionate to owners sometimes especially when they bring their animal in 24 hours after they ran over it with a car and laughed when it was euthanised.

I am having a hard time in general, people, obligations, commitments, non negotiables and my brain.
I am feeling too much. I am currently doing volunteer work, I am financially struggling big time and I don’t know what to do. I want to jut show how good I am as a nurse but people dont seem to notice my worth which makes me feel I am worth nothing. Perhaps I am worth nothing and my work is actually not at the standard I thought it was.

I just feel. I feel too much.

Nursing, life, motherhood

I am a trainee veterinary nurse. I am a mum and I have a fucked up life.

The woman and her comrades I blogged about last time are still at it, what a fucking surprise… My walking buddy in the evenings… my FRIEND well…  the kindergarten bitch has poached from me. Out from under my feet, little fucken twerp.

I worked today. We had a beautiful dog in that had cancer all over his neck, I was under the false illusion we could help him. He had X-Rays, he had bloods, he had TLC, he drooled all over my scrubs and my pants. He gave up in my arms. I was shattered. My old dog died of cancer in a similar way, I was a mess. I was a mess with this pup too. I then cleaned myself up and walked all the hospitalised dogs pretending they would all make it too.

I went home. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to drink wine, I wanted to cry but I had to be a mum. I breathed in, took my kids grocery shopping and cooked dinner. I will mourn the dog in my own time. RIP lovely ❤

Pondering a career, is it worth the time as a mum?

Here I am sitting at the tattoo studio waiting for another to add to my collected. The machines are buzzing in the background, i have a hot coffee and i have no kids at my feet. I really feel blissed out so what better thing to do than blog while I happily wait?

For a few months I have been contemplating doing a course in vetinary nursing- this will be a shift for me as I hold qualifications for social work and alcohol and other drugs counselling as well as childrens services. I just love animals you see, i have always wanted to be a vet since i was tiny but i grew up in a house that always told me i was too stupid  too lost, too distracted and too dumb to ever pursure a career as a vet or any type of animal attendant. I believed this, of course I did  i had been having that in my ear whenever i would talk about my wants, needs or dreams.

So i studied other things, things i was told my stupid brain could deal with, then i was shut down being told I am too sensitive to deal with people and what a stupid career path to choose. So here I am again contemplating my original dream of working with animals.

I have experience with dogs, cats, chicken, fish, rabbits, guinea pigs, fish and rescue animals. I simply adore animals and want to dedicate my life to them but juggling motherhood with work placement and study is so hard. We can’t afford much as it is let alone working for free and paying off a course. Is it worth the debt? Is it worth the stress of finding placement and childcare? Can we afford it? Its too hard 😦 i wish the answer was easy and mental illnews didn’t get in the way of my decision making and ability to function.

BPD, motherhood

I just want everyone and everything to shut the fuck up for a while. I’m so done with people, relationship and friendship dynamics, hell I’m even sick of the dynamics between aquaintences! I’m tired, I’m run down and I’ve given everything in me to everyone else so at the end of the day when I have some time for me I just can’t be fucked.

I haven’t brushed my hair in weeks, my partner has forced me to have a shower and my house is a fucking mess. I don’t know what to do and I have no idea how to keep going every.single.day! I have to get out of bed for the kids, I have to do all the daily tasks like feeding the kids, taking them to parks and socialising them, giving them quiet time, nurturing their needs, kissing them better when they get an ouch and talking to them. This sounds like an easy job to so many but for me it feels like walking through nearly dried up cement.

At the end of the day i feel like I’ve had boiling water tipped all over me and told to run a marathon. I just can’t express how exhausted and painful I am finding every moment.